The inevitability of events, change, endings, and whatever follows. I sit in what a week ago was my house, now mostly construction rubble. The interior walls have been cut, the outside walls, too. I sit among the piles of debris. Once lovely, now broken. Much is exposed that needs work, too. My deck is in shreds, the once lush yard dug up, the granite drive spread here and there. Money. I need money, and I think of all that I have not put away, money I've spent "investing in the present," as they say. I think I am fearful and will be a remorseful coward in the end.
Things go wrong.
They have been surveying the property where my studio sits I've been told. The axe will come soon. I am sad and wonder where I will move all my things. The True Artist in the studio behind my own is looking for a new space. He keeps me informed. He tells me about warehouse spaces, mostly not air conditioned, and what the price is per square foot. He knows how much we pay. Everything is more. I am flattered that he wants me to share a space with him, but I don't know if I can or will. He is looking further and further from town, for anything close to us will soon be sold and developed, too. I don't know if I want to drive half an hour to get to my studio.
I realize now how fortunate I have been. For years, I have had a studio in a beautiful part of town. Not so many people can say that. I rejoice in that.
And I wonder what next? I can't figure it out as I sit in the piles of rubble. All I can do is try to sleep and not be scared by nocturnal dread. I wake to visions of all the things I have done wrong in life and realize there are more things than I thought. Existential judgement. In the end, I wonder, have I lived an authentic life?
I just made myself a couple of poached eggs on english muffin swished with avocado and sprinkled a good dose of hot sauce on top - brewed some very dark coffee and sat down and thought "You know, I miss CS - even if he is telling us of his woes -- I miss the daily check in I used to have with my coffee..."
ReplyDeleteVoila.
Things change. Yup. They do.
It's a big New England holiday leaf peeping three day weekend. And it appears I might be able to go sit at the beach in the sun for a few hours this afternoon. Sunny and maybe warm enough tucked into a sand dune on some south side beach.
The leaves are changing color though.
Hannah is in Ithaca visiting her bae at Cornell. Sam has come home to the Cape from the city for a visit - we had Thai food last night and he told my mother and I about his 12 days in the UK with his new girlfriend's family. Today he'll probably take the boat out for the last time this 2015 season with The Father. And then later complain to me about the same Father while we watch the late afternoon football game. I'll receive texts from Hannah about her adventures throughout the day and the dogs will endlessly want to go out and play.
Yup. Things change and stay the same.
I listened to this song several times before bed last night and the last time, it made me weep. I don't know for who or what - maybe for just life.
Enjoy your Sunday CS and thanks for posting.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AKRA7weVyLs
Yes, Sun Kil Moon is a favorite of mine and that song was what started me listening after I heard it in Steve Martin's "Shop Girl," a vastly underrated movie that should have gotten Claire Danes an Academy Award nomination. She was heartbreakingly wonderful in it.
ReplyDeleteBut you could have listened to this as well, from "Wonderboys."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L9EKqQWPjyo
ReplyDeleteI just watched Shop Girl again the other day. It breaks my heart and thought if I had ever had another child - Mirabelle would be a beautiful name.