Friday, June 24, 2016
I was almost happy for a moment yesterday, but then I wasn't. I am struggling now for equanimity. In reality, I think it is a much more desirable state. There is more bad than good, so balance isn't really possible. It is simply the acceptance of imbalance with a calm and unterrified demeanor.
The painter is finally painting. The prep work amounted to a restoration. The weather here is of the killing kind. Today temperatures will approach one hundred degrees with almost one hundred percent humidity. My air conditioning never shuts off and it cannot keep the house cool in the afternoons. There are many more things I need after the painter finishes. I am afraid an a.c. unit will be one of them.
There will be terrible weather ahead. I've already been traumatized by it once. I don't know what I would do the next time. My nerves are already jangled.
There are some things I must do to keep myself intact. I don't look forward to any of them. How do people do it? I wonder this all the time. I am trying to keep the walls between myself and everything else, but you can't do constantly. When I look around--even at the passing cars--I am stupefied. How do they go on?
They are stronger than I am, I know. They weren't always, I think, but they are now.
And so. . . onward.
at 5:48 AM