Saturday, February 1, 2020
I Got Away with It!
I walked out of my office for the last time late Friday afternoon. I wanted to be the last one out of the building, but my boss waited me out. Maybe he was required to, I don't know, but it took away some of the contemplative profundity of the moment. Probably for the better.
I won't bother you with the details of the last day. I'm just sick of breaking down, of weeping suddenly and ferociously. My face looks like a Star-Pei's.
So let the healing begin.
First things first. I have to quit taking Xanax. I have been walking around in bubble gum for a week. I have taken more each day trying to quell my emotions. I haven't been to the gym. I fall asleep on the couch as soon as I sit. The house is a littered mess that needs attention. I am like a dissolute movie housewife from the '50s full of alcohol and pills. I am sure to go through some serious withdrawals, but I have to get on with things.
And what things might that be? I still have to figure that out.
I'll have to get used to people talking to me like I'm retarded. I've been dealing with Social Security, Medicare, and supplemental insurances over the phone. The sing-song voice in which they speak to me is straight out of Romper Room. Simple words delivered in a musical tone. My mailbox is full of ads for cemetery plots, hearing aids, insurance plans, retirement communities. . . .
I want love letters.
When I got home last night, I decided to open one of the retirement presents I was given.
It is my new favorite. I'll need to cancel my cable and some other subscriptions to help me stay supplied with this. It will be very difficult to go back to "table scotch."
After a glass of this neat, I passed out.
At four in the morning, I woke to a tremendous, violent banging on the wall. WTF? It went on too long. It sounded like animals fighting behind the house, but there were no animal cries. And then it stopped. I couldn't go back to sleep. Had a coyote gotten my cat? It seems like she would have screamed.
The entire event remains a mystery.
So my first day of retirement begins. I stayed in bed until five, then the usual. It is raining and will continue to rain for the rest of the day. I don't think I will go to the gym today, either. It seems a good day to sit inside, eat junk, and contemplate the void.
at 3:55 AM