I wrote a really horrible post last night that I can't post today. It is far too angry. Dangerously so. My anger and anxiety have me by the throat now. The bathroom is a horror show and Mr. Fixit is tired. He did not expect to do all this. My hands shake. My whole body trembles. I have multiple medical appointments spread out over the next month. All in all, I'd have to say that things are not good. I cannot be clever about any of it.
Bobbie Bell
ReplyDeleteWell I was going to buy an expensive Roland piano with touch keyboard, but then I bought a stand for my old piano instead because I am eyeing some thousands of dollars of midi patches and music software.
ReplyDeleteIt is a lot like your camera collection. I have started keeping the receipts hoping my tax guy can help me claim them as the cost of doing business.
You have had a shitty 2020. And 2020 has been a shitty year for most. You got the double. That is hillbilly luck.
That has pretty much always been the way. There was the Great Depression – then there was the Hillbilly Great Depression. The Joads had it rough enough, but most of us Appalachian Americans are the Jim Casys of the world and get the pick ax.
ReplyDeleteNo shit - about the last two years. When the best news is you have negotiated your IRS debt from a fabricated by them 70K down to 8K - things are - I guess - looking up. And it only cost me $5k to get there.
I only want money to travel - I don't need anything - so fuck it.
Yeah.
I was telling my friend that I think one of the ideas for a future book is "Grieving Your Lover Who You Loved Mostly Undercover - except for the Neighbor Ex-Heroin Addicts and Cons".
There are no resources for someone in that position ya know. I searched far and wide. So - yeah the last two years go down as "suck ass."
But.
I'm here to bring Light & Love.
See: The Mediterranean Diet
I was texting with this guy. Through Covid. I never mentioned it here cause - well - I have a tendency to spill a lot of shit here and this subject - well - it didn't seem the place.
I was getting really hooked. I mean like I was hooked on Kevin Magnotta in 9th grade. He was a football player and tall - see I'm kinda tall - they called me all the tall girl names when I was a kid - and at that time it was unheard of for a tall girl to go out with a shorter guy - what a dumb rule.
Kevin, he was one of the only options. I used to stare at him from across the room at parties.
He was as dumb as a stump. It never worked out. But before I knew he was a log - I only had heart eyes for the guy.
Where was I going?
T. was easily 5 inches shorter than I was - maybe even a little more. He never minded tho. I didn't either. I could have wrapped my legs around him twice prolly if that was possible.
I was reading some of his letters - man they make me feel beautiful. And sexy and desired. I know how reading letters can make you feel, Buddy.
"Dear Lisa,
I begin again. I cannot bear the thought of you, alone without my thoughts inside you. You have stolen my soul. My emotions are free. I drown in the dream that is you."
then:
"I have enclosed a picture of myself in this letter. I am uneasy about that. It can't be helped despite my infirmities, I love just as everyone else does. I don't know if I should write anymore till you tell me what you think. Cause I sent the picture and all."
"Lisa, my looks distress me. I'm reminded of Kierkergaard, and I think, Saint Saen, I can't remember, anyways, both were rather homely fellows and it affected their love and their philosophies."
"Panocha, dat is Spanish for pussy. Pussy much on my mind. They say young men think of sex about every 12 seconds. I am not a young man anymore so I suppose it is every 15 seconds for me. Anyways, you are so lovely, I despair. 'Symphonie Fantastique' it was written for a lovely lady. Sometimes it is difficult to discuss just what Beauty is. At some point perhaps we shall be able to discuss that.
Ah Infirmities, the subject of this letter, I keep forgetting. I am often distant & distracted, barely here anyway- it must be very difficult for women to deal with a normal man who is distracted by whatever obsessions has involved him this week - Let alone me, who for the most part doesn't even live on this planet - I just visit, ya know."
ReplyDeleteOh we did talk Beauty for years and years. I prodded him endlessly to poem Beauty. And how he did.
I'll share some more tomorrow - if that's okay. I decided I'd like to etch parts of them into the ether and since I don't have a blog. :).
Anyway, this guy. I like him. He isn't T. Course not - there is only one of each of us traveling on the marble. But he's smart and seasoned - like I like em. Since I'm 15 and I got caught making out with the 40 year old pharmacist I worked for - by my Pop.
Anyway, C.S. I was lost these last couple of days trying to stop feeling like I was staring at Kevin Magnotta across the room - and I was reading T's letters and remembering - how good it all was.
And so I've neglected you a bit. But I'm as loyal as ... a dog, honestly. Don't be mad at me. I'm crazy about you and what goes on here. Even when I want to knock you upside the head and tell you - you have so much to offer the world - stop being so sullen. Smile, take pictures, make googly eyes at the Russian Doll, put yourself out there and the Universe will shine it's light on your sorry ass.
I'm jealous. I would love a bath remodel. Oh! And I watched a movie called "Elizabethtown" the other day when I was languishing on the sofa thinking about this guy - who - I dunno - we might end up just friends - and I suppose that's quite all right. Friends are important and hard to come by. Anyway - the sound track is really good. And your girl is on there, Kathleen Edwards. And they named Kirsten Dunst's character type a "Manic Pixie Dream Girl" in the reviews.
It is a v. bad thing - but as usual - I kinda liked
it. Even though I'm not sure I fit the exact description cause I got lots of ideas and stuff - but I like the name none-theless.
Okies. You will be fine. You will have to make some life changes perhaps. Dietary, etc. But you - Mr. Man - will be ok. Breathe.
x
P.S. Nice piccy - like the colors. Lots.
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