Oh people. . . my life is like stale bread and old cheese. I mean, they can sustain one, but it is not the stuff of life (or is that "staff"?). Alone night after night, I have nothing to do but avoid thinking. Avoiding feeling, however, is an entirely different matter. Those letters, you know. . . they make me feel things. And in the morning, Mr. Fixit comes in fresh off whatever he is dealing with, and we talk. Oh, brother. Life is arduous.
Of all the thousand or so letters I have, I get a kick out of these most. "Kick" is not the right word. The word is too dismissive. These letters are simply pure emotion. What can I say? One can argue with intellect. I've done it my entire adult life. But the way someone feels about things? It is like trying to grab a lightning bolt.
And yet. . . and yet. . . I wish I could have been there with her for the intellectual journey. Why wasn't I?
As I say, I try to avoid thinking at night, but you know how that goes. Everything gets tangled up and the mind won't stop. I try to. I do my best to narcotize it each night, but then thought only bleeds into what I am feeling, and the emotional me kicks the shit out of the intellectual me.
"The heart wants what the heart wants. . . ."
I realize I was happiest just sitting beside her. I felt safe. Oh, not Emily. Ili. I didn't really care where we were. I just wanted to sit by her. That is where I felt best. She was smart, you know. But we laughed like idiots. I didn't care where we were at all. It didn't matter. I just knew that things were o.k.
Until they weren't.
It is 8:30 on a Saturday night. I'm already too deep into the scotch and it is having its effect. My mind is going stupid. I've put on some Kathleen Edwards music and can only think through her lyrics, but mostly I just feel the music, the subtle shifts in instruments, the hollow emptiness between notes, the quiet harmonies. Writing becomes impossible.
"Do ya love me?"
I am done for the night. My mind has shut off. I will drift now, drift with the music and the emotions and memories. Mr. Fixit will be here before you know it. Another day in Paradise.
ReplyDeleteAw.
Buddy Boy. I keep writing and deleting.
Cause it is not my place to give advice in matters of your heart. But I will give a teeny tiny bit anyway -
cause I'm a pain like that. Actually, I'll sermonize.
A Sunday Sermon from the Church of the Alien Jesus
You Can't Break a Pure Heart Even if You Try
(It isn't really all about you, this sermon by the way. But like any good sermon, the pastor hopes to provide something each member of the congregation can take away for good).
11 Signs of a Pure Heart
1. Always smiling
2. Giving without expecting anything in return
3. Treating everyone with respect
4. Making others happy
5. Always ready to help
6. Not able to stay angry at other people
7. Forgiving even those who might not deserve it
8. Always choosing an optimistic view on life
9. Generosity
10. Being trustworthy
11. Being humble
One must be brave.
To have a pure heart.
Some people are born with one.
Some spend a lifetime trying to clean theirs up. I don't think it matters much how one gets there. It's more the attempts - the learning from the failures - making strides.
As tender as the organ is - a pure heart always appears highly polished, shiny and seems to act like a magic shield.
Oh. It is often the target of terrible things - but nothing seems to be able to beat it down. Even the scars a pure heat wears are transparent.
Now, if your heart wants something, you must set aside the time to be still and quiet and really listen. It's true that the heart will sing to you and for you.
Sometimes the music is soft and you have to pay really close attention. You may have to listen over and over. But the message is definitive.
And then comes the hardest part, we must act accordingly.
We must be prepared for more wounds, for more ache but as Rumi says "The wound is where the light comes in."
It is the purest and when embraced, the easiest way to live, I think.
Leading with Love. One's sparkling like a diamond heart thrust out in front (of yourself) - with the complete understanding that it may be crushed but also the knowledge and understanding that a pure heart's language is generosity and trust - humbleness - forgiveness and understanding. Love.
This part is just for you:
Is your heart calling you to try one more time with Ili?
Is she waiting for you to tell her those things? Does she feel the same way?
Was the "canceling" hot anger?
Benediction:
Go forth with your heart ready for anything but expecting Love.
Our Going Out Song, Dancing:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A0fYKguHFcQ
ReplyDeleteOoopsers. I made a sermon mistake - of course we are ALL born with pure heart - it is the examples we are giving, what we do - with our choices that occlude, cloud, black out the purity.
I'm hungover. Please forgive.