Semi

And just like that (snap!), the mania is gone.  And we all know what follows.  The cycle of highs and lows. . . have I become bipolar?  

But I'm intelligent.  I can figure it out.  I'm self-aware, right?  

Right? 

Actually, I'm a semi-fictional character, a shadow figure, so perhaps I only possess a semiconsciousness, a half-brain of incoherent observations, assumptions, and ideas.  

Aarrgh. . . if I could only get my hands on my creator!  Can you imagine being given life by an oaf?  Yea.  Exactly.  

Yesterday I was alive with potential and possibility.  I wanted to share, and I did.  But people have their own concerns, and by and large, the lines went dead.  Oh, there were communiques flowing my way, but not in response.  No, people have their own needs to communicate.  And so, as the day wore on and evening fell (can we call it evening if the sun doesn't set?), in the ethereal silence, I felt glum.  

It is a common thing, of course, among people who seek validation.  There is plenty of literature about it.  Relying on external validation to boost self-worth is a formula for disaster.  Low self-esteem, feelings of unworthiness and loneliness.  Therein lies the road to madness.  Or to the benzos.  

Oh sweet escape.  To sleep, perchance. . . .

Was Van Gogh mad because people didn't buy his paintings?  Modigliani?  What happens to Taylor Swift if she isn't elected president?  Did the need for approval drive Brittany Spears mad?  

And Willy Loman?  

"He was liked, but he wasn't well-liked."

The beauty queen who gains weight, has thinning hair, and develops a skin condition.

And, of course, kids who rely on social media.  

Yea, yea, yea. . . I am all of them.  Or so my creator seems to have made me.  

"Learn to live with the silence," he says.  "There is beauty in stillness."  

You only need to Google, however:

"Living inside your head" generally means spending excessive time in your own thoughts, often to the point of detachment from the external world. It can involve overthinking, overanalyzing, or being overly introspective, sometimes to a degree that impacts your ability to be present and engaged in real-life situations and relationships.

Dwelling on past events or future worries:.
You might replay past interactions, constantly analyzing what you should have said or done, or you might be consumed by anxieties about potential future problems.

Being overly critical of yourself:.
You might focus heavily on perceived flaws or mistakes, leading to a cycle of self-doubt and negative self-talk.

Difficulty making decisions:.
Overthinking can lead to a paralysis of action, as you get caught up in analyzing every possible outcome.

It is a conundrum, isn't it?  Rely on yourself or rely on others.  It seems we are living in contradiction.  No wonder the "therapists" are so in demand.  

Surely you realize my creator is "guilty" of solipsism?

He asked A.I. to give me a visual form from what I say here, and it thought me female.  

"No, he is male."

And so. . . it imagined that I look rather like the James Mercer, the songwriter/singer of The Shins, alone, contemplative, melancholy.  

I need to get back to melancholy.  That is the place to be, a pleasant melancholy of detachment sustained by occasional engagement, the substrate for thought and introspection.  

I may start writing these posts in the early evening rather than mornings.  Then I might have time to reflect and edit.  You know, expand the literariness of the writing.  

Subject/modifier, Predicate/adverbs, Direct object/modifier, Indirect object/prepositional phrase

And, of course, tropes, metaphors, similes.  

etc. 

I could enhance this journalistic style.   

Oh, that's it for today, kids.  I assume I am writing only for bots now who are scraping my blog day and night to enhance A.I.'s knowledge base.  Should I be angry of flattered?

I have that jacket.  I have that hat.  That is my breakfast.  I know that cafe.