That sucked. Let me try again. When I was a teen, my world was shit, so I decided to live in my own fantasies. I read. I went to movies. I listened to music. I guess that is what many teenagers do. Once I went away to college, my life changed for the better. And it seemed to just keep getting better all the time. Holy Christ, I did everything I'd ever dreamed of doing.
"Fairytales can come true, they can happen to you. . . ."
My life is shit now. I want to live in a dream again. But it is not as when I was a teen with nothing, no responsibilities, no money, no debt, just dreams.
"When the rent comes due and the roof falls through. . . . "
Still, I have to turn my back on reality. It is too much. I understand why old people watch the Hallmark Chanel now. But here's a secret you mustn't tell. I am happiest when driving my mother's Toyota Corolla. Funny, huh? But it has good a.c. It has Bluetooth. It gets incredible gas mileage. And when I drive, the music is more than wonderful. It is fanciful. There is no pop, no rock, no rap or hip-hop. It is all samba and Brazilian jazz and music from Spain and France and Mexico and places I don't even know. It is a fantasy. Traffic doesn't matter. I am happiest driving now.
As I prepare dinner for my mother and I, I put on BBC News at six. At six-thirty, I turn to The Evening News on ABC, "the most watched news in America." Holy shit! Right there you can see everything that has gone wrong. Not the news. The hype. The presentation. The speed with which everything must turn. The anxiety in the voices. And, of course, the last ten minutes of soppy, "heart warming" news.
After that, after dinner has been eaten and the kitchen cleaned. . . I am in for the night. I try to watch television, but even the pay channels now cater to the lowest denominator. The serious shows have all been cancelled, everything that I liked. Everything is made for kids and morons who love fantasy and superheroes and dumb-ass comedies.
I tried watching "Nosferatu," but it was too dark for my mindset just now. I think I will watch only 1950's adult comedy films if I can find them.
I drove my Xterra the other day. It barely started. The battery is dying. I must get a new one. The brakes are going. The seat is wearing through. The a.c. is rather weak.
Two doctor's appointments today. I'll be sitting all afternoon. I am feeling a bit better, though. My skin no longer aches. Just a constant cough, fatigue, weakness, and dizziness.
But I have a new tankless water heater. Limitless hot water! Ha! I barely use it. At least I won't be using gas to heat water I am not using.
I was at my house as they did the installation. It is a lovely place. All my things are there.
Don't hate on me for dropping out. I've been booted out, that is all. Now I must surround myself with something I can stand in an attempt to counter the rest. Otherwise I will come completely undone.
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