Fire!!!!

No bliss this morning.  No zen.  My mother kept me awake for most of the night.  Sometime after I fell asleep, the door burst open and my mother called my name.  

"What is it?"

"I'm feeling dizzy."

"O.K.  What do you want me to do?"

"Nothing.  I just thought you'd want to know."

Verbatim.  

For the rest of the night, my mother was up and banging around.  I don't know how much I slept.  I'm exhausted, and all joy is gone.  In truth, there is only misery.  

The day started off well enough.  I made her breakfast and she was fine and happy.  When I left to go to my house, she was upbeat and good.  

I took a long walk from my house across the campus of Country Club College which was hopping.  There were plenty of girls in formal and semi-formal dresses.  People were having photos taken.  I didn't know what was going on, but it looked as if there were plenty of parents there, too.  At the chapel, it looked like there might be a wedding.  The day was perfect and everyone seemed joyful. 

Down the street bordering the lake with the big old mansions all the way to the golf course.  In the big historic home, there was a large wedding party, too.  Up to the far end of the Boulevard and turning back toward the house.  The Boulevard was unusually busy, crowds of people in the park, in front of shops, and once again, the teenage girls were lined up to get into the Brandy Melville shop.  Halfway up the street, the barricades were up and the tables were being set for that night's A Taste of Money or whatever the big dining experience is called.  Hundreds of tables, block after block.  I was told later that you have to reserve seats within an hour of the offering or you won't get one.  A table is very expensive, but it is a See and Be Seen event if you are a remora.  Corporate tables, etc.  

Off the Boulevard and into my neighborhood, the sidewalk filled with walkers.  

"Hello. Hello."

Back home, I looked at the big 8x10 film developing tank that finally arrived.  WTF was I going to do?  I went to the garage and looked around until I found the big 8x10 film holders and some boxes of old 8x10 film.  If I want to shoot color film now, it will cost about $25/sheet.  Black and white about half of that.  Yea.  It takes a whole lotta money and commitment for this.  

I have one 8x10 camera, and it is a doozy.  Cameras are pretty simple, really.  There is a front "standard" that holds the lens and a back "standard" that has the ground glass you focus on and a film holder.  In between is a light tight expandable bellows.  Now let's see, there are. . . let's count the number of movements this camera will make.  You can raise and lower the front standard, shift it left and right, tilt it left and right, and tilt it up and down.  There are knobs for each of those movements.  The same goes for the rear standard.  That is eight movements and a whole lot of knobs.  Then there is the focussing apparatus, too.  

The camera is big and the image on the ground glass upside down and backwards.  The camera is mounted on a large moveable head--tilt, turn, and side to side movements each with their own twisty knobs.  There are bubble levels on the top and side of the camera so that you can shoot on straight horizontal and vertical planes.  

All of this is set upon a very sturdy, i.e. heavy tripod.  This is not a field camera.  It is meant to be used in the studio.  

What studio? 

I bought it long ago and have barely ever used it.  You need to be an engineer to get it set up to take a photograph.  God help you if anything is off, for you will have wasted $25 and won't even know it until after you develop the film.  

I fucked around with the camera for a long time trying to "master" the movements.  I want to make some pictures "just to see."  

Cha-ching!

I have everything including the big developing tank which will let me develop four negatives at a time. . . . 

If I sent the negatives off to a lab, it would take at least ten days before I got them back and around $10 per negative.  I'll be shooting b&w at first and doing the developing myself.  

Maybe. 

If I were trying to shoot portraits with this camera, set up would take many minutes, and then the person would have to not move, not bobble head, not sway. . . .

I'll start with food or something until I get it down.  

The phone rang.  It was my mother. 

"Where ARE you?!?!?  It's late."

It was five-thirty.  I'd lost myself in camera shit.  I still had to go to the store and get things for dinner.  I'm not back in the groove of not having my life again.  It is going to take a minute.  

I guess I'll pack up all the camera gear and bring it to my mother's.  I'll practice with it here.  I don't know.  I really don't know.  

My mother is very actively miserable this morning.  She doesn't want to be miserable alone.  She moans, she sighs, she wanders about with her walker back and forth, banging in cabinets, banging in drawers, explicating in explicatives.  

My nerves are singed.  

"Help! Help!  Fire! Fire!"

"Breathe, buddy, breathe," I keep telling myself, but my heart races and I know my blood pressure is sky high.  I'm shooting off adrenaline every few minutes.  

I need to go fix her something to eat, so this is over and done.  Back to the grindstone.  Outside there is a picture perfect day.  

Enjoy.