I don't think I am gullible, but I am pretty impressionable. I was reading an article asking, "is it safe to eat lettuce again?" The answer, as always, was probably. Next I read an article about post-IBS syndrome that many people have, sometimes for years, after getting a gut related illness. People's lives are compromised by pain, discomfort, and the fear of being too far from a bathroom. Some people experience post-IBS for a lifetime.
Within minutes, I was running to the bathroom. I am paranoid about food borne diseases. I crave a big salad right now, but I'm too paranoid to try it even though there have hardly been any cases of cyclospora in my state.
I wonder about the past. Was food safer? Were people healthier? I don't recall ever hearing about stuff like this when I was a kid. I don't remember anyone saying, "Oh, my mother can't leave the house. She's afraid she'll poop her pants."
Everyone in India surely has it. How in the fuck did Anthony Bourdain survive? Maybe he did have the shits all the time which is why he stayed so thin. Or maybe that is why his girlfriend was with other guys, and maybe it is why. . . .
But I've eaten all over the globe and have been fine.
I had fun yesterday, but not the kind I had intended. I have too many cameras and too many lenses and too many accessories and I have zero organization skills. When I got to my house, I couldn't find some gear and went into a small panic, so I decided to tear things apart, put my hands on every piece of camera gear I have in the house, and organize it. I'm not good at making decisions, so it was slow and go, but I am learning. I am always in too much of a hurry to get tasks done, so I am beginning to take a breath and to stop rushing. All afternoon, I brought out cameras and lenses and body caps and lens caps and filters and flash cables, etc. There is a ton of Sony lenses and lens adapters for other makes for the Sony camera I never use. Six Leica M camera models that I do use, and all the lenses that go with them. The Leica R5 camera and four lenses. The Leica CL camera. I finally found the charger for the Leica D-lux 3 and got that working. A slew of Canon lenses and adapters for the two Canon cameras, one digital, one film. A Nikon D700 and many lenses. Two Mamiya Polaroid cameras and three lenses and viewfinders and changeable backs to shoot either Polaroid film or 4x5. A Mamiya 6 medium format rangefinder and two lenses. Two Rollieflex medium format cameras. Many Polaroid cameras of various types, three SX-70s, one folding camera converted to shoot 4x5 film. The Chamonix 4x5 with three lenses, hoods, cable release, etc. The Liberator. One studio 4x5 camera I don't think I've ever used. A Graflex 4x5 camera. The giant 8x10 studio camera with one lens. Various antique brass large format lenses. A Fuji GFX medium format digital camera with lenses and adapters letting me use other lenses like the 85mm Mamiya 645 lens and a few Chinese brands. A Fuji X100V and two lens attachments, one wide angle and one wide angle and one telephoto.
Fuck, I'm probably forgetting something here. Gear Acquisition Syndrome.
But what started this all was my Hasselblad 500 CM. I was searching for a close up adapter and couldn't find it. I've not used it very often, but I had a hankering.
This is what I did all afternoon. I put my hands on every camera and every lens I own, not including old vintage rangefinders I don't use. Oops. Nor the Olympus XAs I own.
But when that was done and everything had been put away, I decided to use the Hassie. I took it around the yard and finished up one roll of black and white, then another. I changed the back on it (I have two) and finished off a roll of color film. I have two lenses and an eye-level viewfinder, so I tried shooting the the telephoto lens and the big viewfinder to see if I could handhold that or if I would absolutely need to use a tripod. I think this was the first time I completely understood the camera. I was hoping to fall in love.
Four o'clock. I was kind of beat, but I had two rolls of medium format b&w film and a roll of 35mm b&w film I could develop in one tank.
I pulled out the big changing tent and set it on the dining room table, put the film and scissors and developing tanks inside, zipped it shut, put my arms in the sleeves, and got to work. I unspooled the 35mm film first and began winding it on the developing reel. I couldn't get it to spool right. Try again. And again. And again. O.K. Take a breath, I said, remember, you always want to hurry. And finally the film went on. But the first roll of medium format film was worse, and it took forever. The second went on fine. But the whole affair had taken far too long. I looked at the clock. OK. I got the chemicals and mixed them up. Water bath. Developer. Rinse. Fixer. Rinse, rinse, rinse. I pulled a reel out of the tank. Voila! There were images.
I took them to the bathroom and hung them up to dry.
And that, my friends, was my fun day. It felt good to have done it. I opened a beer and sat down to think. I wanted to see if I couldn't use the Hasselblad to make those Roversi-style portraits. I went to the computer to look up some things. Maybe I'd use a Pyro developer. What kind of film? Then this.
Roversi's famous light. The one he uses for this.
I asked AI to identify it. It is a Mariano Fortuny “Studio 1907”. Did they still make them? Indeed. I went to the website for the Fortuny company.
For real.
I Googled alternatives.
By God, I want that light!
As if that wasn't enough, I started looking at the Hasselblad 907X & CFV 100C.
The digital back of the camera can be attached to any Hasselblad film camera. You cannot just buy the digital back, though.
$7,399.00.
Oh, Christ.
What the fuck would I do with this stuff?
I need to make some photos, but I have realized what is holding me back. I don't want to photograph people I know. They will want to look a certain way. I didn't want to photograph T for his catalog shoot, and that is why I said I would come and shoot around the other photographer. When I had the studio, I shot strangers. They were at first, anyway. And they all came for the pictures. No money ever changed hands. That doesn't happen so much anymore. I don't know what to do, really, but I will have to do something. I want to photograph people I don't know.
Roversi got to photograph the most photogenic people in the world. That helps.
And that is the solution. I think.
I need to make at least the beginnings of a website.
But there is much more for me to clean up around the house. I have drawers and drawers full of art materials. I have boxes and boxes of negatives and Polaroids. I don't have enough space for it all. Compromises will need to be made.
Organize. I must organize.
I have a busy week between things I need to do for my mother and the things I need to do for myself. I could get so much more done if I had my nights, but that's not happening. I need to do my things in the few daylight hours I get.
How do I get out of this post? There is not clean wrap up I can figure out, no closing the circle, so to speak.
I could reflect on what I watched last night--"Hemingway and Gellhorn." But I'm out of time, and perhaps that will be a good thing for tomorrow. So, I'll just stop writing and hit "Publish."
As wrong as that feels.
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