Friday, February 5, 2021

Foxfire Galore

 


Well. . . if it is a fairy, it is still there.  And it has been joined by others.  When I went out tonight to look, I walked around the tree and then around the yard.  I have many bits of Foxfire on three different trees.  I can't find out from Google if this is dangerous for the trees or not.  I will call the city arborist tomorrow to find out.  Yes, my little town has a city arborist.  Pretty cool.  

I am writing tonight because I must be at the Convention Center tomorrow at eight o'clock to get my second vaccination.  I never leave the house before ten any more, so this will be a real challenge.  I bought almond croissants to help me through the stress of it.  I know, I know.  Sometimes, though. . . . 

My mother has been down lately.  She keeps saying that everyone is dead, that she is the only one left.  I tell her that there are more people than ever.  Her tone is the thing.  Today I mentioned that the seasons seem to fly by now, and she said, "Seasons?  The years just fly by.  Pffft!"  

I told her that she might want to say that with a different tone.  Perhaps she could focus on the fact that she is still alive and gets to see the Trump impeachment trial.  But her tone is bringing me down.  I go every day and I hear the same things.  All we seem to talk about is illness and death.  These are not the things I wish to focus on, and it is wearing on me.  I guess everyone goes through this with their parents eventually.  But I know that is not true.  Some people rarely see their old parents.  Many are just stuck into "facilities."  My own life is shit, and I don't think I need any help being miserable.  I'll have to figure this thing out somehow, but right now, I haven't many ideas.  Maybe when she is fully inoculated and we can have a vacation at the beach she will pick up.  

Maybe I will, too.  


I read something about Tinkerbell today when I was "researching" faeries.  

Though sometimes ill-tempered, spoiled, jealous, vindictive and inquisitive, she is also helpful and kind to Peter.

The extremes in her personality are explained in the story by the fact that a fairy's size prevents her from holding more than one feeling at a time, so when she is angry she has no counterbalancing compassion. At the end of the novel, when Peter flies back to find an older Wendy, it is mentioned that Tinker Bell died in the year after Wendy and her brothers left Neverland, and Peter no longer remembers her.


Now this explained a lot to me about life.  But when Peter left Neverland and went back to see Wendy, he forgot about Tink, and that was it for her.  She aged and then died.  

Me?  I never forget.  Nope.  I have the "Pan" syndrome and will be a man-child forever.  No fairy needs worry.  I won't forget Neverland.  



3 comments:


  1. It's so sad, isn't it? About Peter forgetting her. I always hated that. I still do.

    I happen to be an expert in all things Tinker Bell and Peter Pan. Just so you know. If you have any "researching" questions, feel free to reach out.

    It helps makes up for all her badness a little tho - all that kindness & care. At least I think so.

    But those are not nice qualities to have - jealousy, vindictiveness, etc. They prevent goodest of things from being able happen. If only she could have grown in her heart some. That's where the "room" needed to be. Sigh.

    Look at her drama. She was crazy about Peter. I've always known exactly how she feels. It's a disease of sorts.

    I had a quiet night. I watched something, after reading Mr. Shakespeare, and before shutting down. I think it was both awful and wonderful. It may be pretentious but also not - just open and soulful. I don't like to read reviews before or after. They taint the experience.

    I miss having someone to talk about these things with. It's just a fact. Not a whine. Well. Maybe a little whine.

    I've always needed input. A sense of security or someone to argue with. In a constructive way of course. I'm a little like an electrical plug. I can be left alone but I really shine when I'm plugged in. It's a Libra thing.

    Anyway. This song was written and is performed here - by a 12 or 13 year old girl and her father ( the director of the film).

    https://vimeo.com/473228960

    There was something hypnotic once I was about 30 minutes into it - I let go of the terrible (but sometimes truthful) narration and just floated on the scenery (there is some rock music - but it's from the son - playing drums and reminded me so much of my kid) right to sleep.

    And boy did I dream. It was something. It was gorgeous and even funny but mostly gorgeous. Damp and tropical - a mud pond full of frogs, surrounded by lush ferns and greenery. There was garden statuary that looked like it was from ancient Rome dripping with sweat. There was Desire. Yes, even living Fairies milling about the place. It was Sensual with the intensity of watching dripping honey. Slow without worry or haggle. Funny too. Smiling and laughing.

    Just lovely.


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  2. I'm not sure I ever posted "the notorious poem" that T. wrote for a girl who was horrible to him. A girl he kept taking back. Despite her horribleness to him. I maybe have. But I wanted to look at it again.

    The Note


    I left a note
    on the dresser
    in the middle of all the other things,
    that cluttered up my life,
    peanut butter and jelly,
    change, keys I didn't need,
    the little boxes
    I kept for useless things,
    and dreams,
    a rock. an old sock
    I used to polish things.
    a photograph,
    some broken pencils in a cup.

    It said:
    I don't want you to go.
    I signed my name,
    just in case she'd forgotten,
    who I was.

    When I got home
    she was sleeping,
    her golden hair
    sprayed on the pillow behind her
    Like a field
    of wild flowers.


    Here's a comment I left on it - over 13 years ago:

    "I hate this poem. Ridiculous, I know. I am looking for Notes from the Underground. I told you Mr. Kerouac now has me in his grasp with Patti Smith helping him, feels sort of like a Natural Born Killers thing, the two of them after me.

    Anyway, I'm going to read the Joan Anderson Letter or at least try to find it. You know I've not read "On the Road" but he's telling me it doesn't matter cause I know the story in my soul, that I best read what he himself, Mr. Kerouac called:

    "the greatest piece of writing I ever saw, better’n anyone in America, or at least enough to make Melville, Twain, Dreiser, Wolfe, I dunno who, spin in their graves”

    that is if I can find it.

    Anyway. Despite your aversion, you did these kind of things better than most anyone here. Says Love, not Lust by the way. yea yea yea, I know. Still.



    Off to find the Patch Poem...
    From,
    Just a Girl,
    Lisa"


    I've since read "On the Road" and didn't really "hate" the poem. Obviously.

    When I used to ask him why he continued on and off for 4/5 years of misery with this girl he used to respond "I think it must have been lust."

    I used to tell him it was ego. And a kind of Hero Love. He thought he could rescue her. But love was clearly part of the equation.

    Of course, that's part of why I fell in love with him.

    I think it is sort of -- I'm not sure of the word - but I wanted to know every way he loved every girl he loved. Not in a way to use against him - in a way to learn more about him. Thankfully, he had always written poems. And so there was data I could mine.

    Did I want to be his "best" love? Of course, isn't that what we should be striving for? To be the best for each other? But it wasn't a competition between me and those who came before me.

    It was about discovering what would be the most possible ways to delight, please, adore & love him - the best way for him - so he could have the best life possible. I never felt sacrificed either - more enriched and - free.

    Life is a highway. With many stops along the way.

    I liked reading that you "adored" your Ili. BTW.

    I'm not sure I expressed it correctly. Aquarians have a difficult time with feelings. It struck me - sweet and boyish. Yup. You two clearly had a strong vibration connecting you. I hope you heartscars heal but always sing that certain song. Love is never a bad thing. Well. I don't think so.

    x

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  3. The “Manic Pixie Dream Girl” is a derogatory meme in art criticism, particularly film.

    According to critic Nathan Rabin, the Manic Pixie Dream Girl "exists solely in the fevered imaginations of sensitive writers and directors to teach broodingly soulful young men to embrace life and its infinite mysteries and adventures.”

    You are a better writer than I am so who am I to be opinionating but I think it harmful to the process to make oneself a slave to a pixie. Bad juju there, bwana. You will not get any real work done. I’m still hoping it is foxfire of the non-dead tree variety.

    The writing is in you. It was always in you. It comes from you.

    It is in some ways like believing in a muse or a divine spirit voice guiding the pen of the writer. And I know that I was a member of that religion for a long time as well. I think for many of us the first time a girl took an interest in us was when we were somehow recognized for the art we made and the two became entwined. The poems, the music, the paintings were always made as items of barter for affection when we were adolescents. The wish to remain “Forever Young” is strong in a species that knows it will die.

    I have since though become a lunch bucket artist. A worker. It is a craft that takes so many hours a day, labor, and a paycheck at the end of it.


    Of course it could all be a matter of taste. Your preference for Tink may be like people who prefer Ginger on Gilligan’s Island or Veronica in Riverdale. I’m more of a MaryAnn and Betty feller myself.

    And goodness knows I am more of a dwarf from Snow White that a Peter Pan. Usually I am Grumpy, but after the vaccination today I am Sleepy – nonetheless:

    “Hi Ho, hi ho, it’s off to work I go;
    but then again, I say to you
    what is the fuck that I do know?”

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