Forever

Let me begin this post by saying that I still can't respond to comments on this computer.  Don't think I am ignoring you or am just being a prick.  For whatever reason, I have only been able to respond from the computer at work (scary).  I will soon have time to try and figure all of this out.  Soon.  But I am reading them.  Thank you.

So. . . my life is changing rapidly.  I am dizzy with it.  The things I do will change.  Maybe how I do things, too.  I will not have as much money coming in when I retire, of course, and I've already begun to adapt.  It is fear that drives now.  I won't buy anything unless it is on sale or bogo.  That is what Ili calls it.  I still say twofer.  It has become a thrill.  Two catsups for the price of one?  Wow.  Two bottles of wine for the price of one?  Even better.  Coupons are good, but I haven't had time to become a clipper yet.  But I will.

And I will not need to buy work outfits very often now.  Nor shoes.

Maybe I'll let my nose hairs and eyebrows grow out, too.  O.K.  Not yet.

I'm getting a t-shirt that says, "I Got Away with It."

I am filled with helium, it seems.  I don't feel the weight of days.  I can pick and choose.  Oh, I still have to work, but not much.  The most difficult part is not going in to the office.  You see, I have never, not for a moment, disliked my job.  What my factory produces is pretty cool, and the people I work with are more enlightened than not.  Most days, it is fun to go in.  I'm not saying that I often wouldn't rather be doing something else, but the something else is usually pretty spectacular.  On a day to day basis, I could hardly have had it better.  Not to go in feels like an abandonment.  They need me.

Still, I know the moment I walk out the door, I am gone.  Factories are like self-healing donuts.  Tires?  Whatever.  The hole is automatically closed.  There will be no mourning or grieving, and I will be on the outside.  I've always been, but now the gate will close.  That part of my life which has been what I've done for 43 years, will be over.

Onward.

Or as Kesey said, "Further."

It was Ili's father's birthday this weekend, so we went to help him party.  We stayed at the beach for the night.  I didn't worry that my time was being taken, that I would not be able to do something I needed or wanted to do as I normally would.  I floated and had a good time.  It made Ili happy.

Paris sounds like a good place to saunter, doesn't it?  The place to begin a career as a flaneur?

I don't know.  My imagination is taking me away.  You see, I used to have forever.  I don't have that any more.  It is weird when you lose it.  But I can't let it hurry me.  It will do no good to rush.  The days, the minutes, the seconds are all the same.  I have as much time as I ever had.